Why won't you throw this Mom?
I was skeptical about how the Angeles National Forest would compare with a forest like the Uintahs. Driving around in L.A. has been an interesting experience for me. Unless I am right near Downtown or by the ocean somewhere, it honestly feels like I’m driving in Utah most of the time. Many of the freeways take you through the hills. I-210 actually feels like going through Parley’s Canyon to me (which is actually a negative - too much traffic in narrow, curvy places).
Looking up into the hills (a lot of them are described as mountains to Southern California natives), though, it never feels quite right. The foliage is all wrong. Don’t get me wrong, there is a ton of variety but none of it really reminds me of home. Still, I was eager to get out of the valley for a little while and it was almost July and I hadn’t gone on a single hike! So, we went.
Driving through the canyon I was pretty homesick. It had all the curves but none of the greenery I wanted. We drove up, up, up, and things only looked more arid. However, when we arrived at the turn off for the hike, we had to drive about 1/2 mile into the canyon and things started to look a little greener.
Once we got to the trail, I started to feel happier. There was plenty of green and some of it even looked like the trees I was used to. They weren’t the same, only a couple of trees with needles on them, but there were a lot of acorn trees.
See? Green!
We began our hike and I started convincing myself that I could really enjoy hiking here. It was cool, there was green stuff around me, and there was dirt on the ground.
The hike itself is very tame. There’s only one spot that I would consider “moderate” hiking and only because we had to come back through it during the hottest part of the day. For the most part it stays down in the canyon, following a “river.” At one point it deviates way from the river and rises out of the canyon. The sun beats on you pretty hard at this part but you can see all the gorgeous mountains around you. It then goes back down into the canyon and reconnects with the stream.
Then you reach one of the many little waterfalls in the area. Right now, the waterfalls were disappointing. All of Southern California is going through a horrible drought right now. There’s been a lot of fighting over water lately. You can definitely see it in the canyons. The river was just a small stream that you could step in and keep most parts of your shoes dry and the waterfalls were barely more than a trickle. The areas where the waterfalls would normally pool were mostly dried up. We decided that it would be pretty nice to take a blanket up and have a picnic in one of the areas that would have been covered in water next to the waterfall.
In all its glory.
I was in love with the area by then though and it didn’t break my spirits. I could appreciate what the waterfall was before Al Gore invented Global Warming.
Past the waterfall were some bigger pools that Miya enjoyed jumping in. After ten minutes she stepped out of the pool to chase the stick and she was shivering so badly I decided we'd better start hiking before she died of hypothermia. There were two more large pools down the path and Miya wanted to swim in every one of them. Actually, I think Miya was pretending the dirt was lava for the entire hike. "I've got to stay in the water to stay alive!"
We haven't jumped in this one yet!
After the last pool we decided to deviate from the trail. We saw a small canyon where another stream met the pool and decided to follow it up. The stream led to another waterfall that we decided we had to climb up to see what was beyond it. Well, it wasn't an easy climb. I almost stepped on a snake on one side (for some reason I'm scared of snakes) and in order to get on the other side I had to step in the stream and it was deep enough to get both of my shoes very wet at this spot.
Like all college educated individuals I decided to climb up a rock face with wet shoes, in the middle of a National Forest, at least forty miles from the nearest hospital (three of those being the trail itself). I've always been sure of myself physically. Since we were little the Overby children have been exploring and climbing all over dangerous places. I remember one time in Arches: we climbed to the top of a small rock fin by our camp and seeing some really soft looking sand at the bottom, we jumped into it! We went to Lake Powell and climbed up the steep canyon walls together. I've always been grateful to my parents for allowing us to explore the world and not be helicopter parents. It made me feel comfortable with being able to traverse the world around me. Well, that feeling has steadily withdrawn as I grow older. I find myself getting nervous about heights and my stomach turns when looking down on narrow ledges.
The Waterfall.
Still, my adventurous side won out in this situation. But, I got stuck. The waterfall was not a big one but I was climbing a rock face trying to get up it and I got into a situation where I couldn't move. I could not go forward without slipping but I could not turn around to go safely back. Daniel was there and he could tell I was in trouble. Luckily he was calmer than I was. He told me that if I did slip, not to fight it and to just fall into the water. So, I made the effort but I lost my footing and fell into the water.
That's the rock face that I tried climbing up (in this pic I'm going back down).
Apparently I made it look smoother than it actually was. I fell feet first (lucky, I was really freaked that I would hit my head) into the pool below. The water went up to my waist and I was more lucky that I didn't break an ankle or a leg. Being a very stubborn person, I still needed to get up that waterfall. I managed to find a way up, even though my legs were shaking from the adrenaline and I had to scramble up some dirt in my very wet clothes, making myself a muddy mess. It was worth it. There were more waterfalls beyond that one but we didn't dare get Miya up so we had to turn back. Still, it felt pretty good to conquer that waterfall.
My Reward.
After this adventure we decided to head back but we wanted to try and follow the stream all the way back (rather than take the climb up out of the canyon again). Well, we tried this but found out why the trail deviates away. The stream comes up to another waterfall on a giant rock face. There was no way we were climbing this puppy. So, even though we were almost to where the trail meets up with the stream again, we had to turn back. It made for a lot of backtracking. I was getting pretty tired at this point. My fall and the subsequent adrenaline rush had worn me down. It was during this time that I started reflecting.
Nope, not climbing up this one.
While Daniel and I always have plenty of things to chatter about while we walk, being in nature always puts me in an introspective mood. I think this is odd. I mean, I go into nature to appreciate the beauty around me, not to have my mind stuck on the inner workings of Brandy. Still, something about the solitude and tranquility inspires me to analyze my place in this world and give myself a score analyzing how well I am being a human.
During this jaunt through nature I was thinking about two things: age and cycles.
Age really is a no brainer. It was on my mind because I turned twenty five this month and because I became scared when I got stuck. I do not like getting older. I know this is weird for a twenty five year old to say but I can't turn back now. I do not like that my metabolism does not keep up with all of my awful eating habits anymore. I do not like the anxiety problems that I have, that I did not have when I was leaping from arch to arch with my siblings a decade ago. I'm not quite comfortable with my body yet. I know that's a problem you're supposed to solve in your teens but I keep wanting my body to be something different than it is and it bugs me that it hasn't changed with age. I honestly don't mind the responsibilities that come with getting older, I'm actually pretty excited to be getting more, but I do not like that no matter how much of myself I give to my responsibilities, it doesn't change the world. I do not like that kind of surrender. Also, I don't like that I'm not as nice as I used to be. When I was in high school, I was super nice. I tried so hard to do nice things for others and just make people smile. I'm not sure why that went away but it's something I want to get back.
The other thing I was thinking about on this hike was cycles. I was listening to an interview on the NPR with a rap artist. I don't know who, I could care less about rap as an art form. What interested me was the interviewer talked to the man about how he is perpetuating a culture of violence. The rap artist said that he was just the messenger. He said, "If I were a news anchor, you wouldn't get mad at me for giving you news about violence (except people are getting frustrated with the negative media). I'm just the messenger." The interviewer pushed back a little though. He asked him what about his fights in clubs and other crimes he had committed. The rapper said that he grew up with a certain understanding of how you interact with the world around you. When his dad was angry, he punched people and his problems were solved. While, I don't necessarily agree with the rappers life style, I get him there. It's all about cycles.
Mom and Dad (if you're reading this), you know that I love you and I am so thankful for the many things that you have given me in my life. You have always been supportive and have always done the best you could for me, but I have to vent a little bit now. I have to vent because I have want to be able to forgive and forget. I've been holding onto a lot and I want to let it go so that I can just love you. Also, if I'm going to improve myself I have to admit that I am caught up in this cycle. I need to admit it so I can break it.
One of the hardest things for me to do is keep my temper under control and to trust that, just because I have to give in a little, doesn't mean people are trying to hurt me. For instance, most fights that Daniel and I have are because I am very unwilling to give in. This isn't to say that I don't want to because I do. I just run into two problems. One - I'm very angry and I do not know how to control my temper. Two - I don't quite trust that Daniel isn't trying to win or hurt me. That's ridiculous, right? But, it is something I can't get past when I'm in fight mode. I've tried a lot. I try to walk away and cool down, I try to fight through it, but I have yet to be successful at it. It's a cycle.
My family knows how bad my temper can get. This comes from my father. I never really saw him handle his temper appropriately. There was always yelling, always insults, and a lot of the time it led to very violent behavior that I'm not willing to share with the interweb. He was my main example of how a person interacts with others when their angry: how they solve problems. He solved his problems with anger and abuse. It's not his fault either! He didn't know how to control his temper either because he was caught in the cycle! His father was the same way! I didn't know my great-grandfather on that side but I'm almost certain that my grandfather was caught in a cycle too. My mom too, did not solve her problems in a way that was appropriate. She always hid her hurt and anger in alcohol, and that is not a path I will ever tread.
I know that sounds harsh but it's good for me. I have to be honest with myself if I'm going to be the change for my children. I want to show my children how to work with their anger. I am going to break that cycle!
HOLY COW! - I'm so sorry for this rant! I just really needed to get that out there and yes, it really had to be in this type of medium. The people who are reading this blog are the people who know me and love me for who I am and I really don't want to hide myself as a human being anymore. I have so many problems! I just want to be honest with myself and with you guys! Guess what! I also like to drink an alcoholic beverage on occasion (fireball whiskey is my favorite)! I know that some of this knowledge might disappoint a few people but I'm tired of hiding behind an image that really isn't Brandy. I'm very lonely and homesick but I can't begin to connect with people unless I am allowed to be myself.
Anyway, all of this stems from a moment that I'm going to try and stuff into a metaphor. Be prepared to cringe a little because when I get introspective I get a little mushy. I'm getting older. I'm learning a lot about myself as I go. This move has forced me to look at myself quite a bit. I got stuck on that waterfall. I didn't really fall in though. I knew that I couldn't go any further and I couldn't turn back either. I heard Daniel tell me to not fight it, so, I turned myself as much as possible so that I could land without killing myself, and I let myself fall. It was a good moment. I know this is so mushy and I'm cringing just writing it (I hate forced metaphors), but, this is really what was going through my mind on our hike back to the car.
I know that to help improve myself that I've got to let go of being a perfectionist a little. I've got to be honest with myself and with you guys. I'm going to accept my faults and I'm going to work to better myself as a human being. I want to be nice again.
Anyway, thanks for listening/reading. This was a tough one for me. I hope you guys still love me. Have a good week!
<3/ Brandy
Brandy Brown 2014
2 comments:
Love you Brando. I've always admired your openness. And I'm glad you didn't break as ankle.
Well, I had an awesome comment typed, but then I had to log out of Jay's google account and into mine to publish it. So, I'll say that I think that Gabby really missed out on a good hike. I can't wait to be there and hike with you again. (There's a metaphor there somewhere, but I'm atrocious with them so good luck figuring it out)
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