Worth and Fear

“Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it.”
― C. JoyBell C. It has been a crazy week. I'm exhausted but I have to say that it has been one of the best weeks we've had since moving here. Not the best week, but one of the best. If I had to describe my week in one word, I would have to say: intense.  Okay, that's the blogpost. That's all you need to know. Goodnight all! ;)  Just kidding, just kidding.  So, I guess I'll start chronologically because my brain is a checklist... it's basic function is to wander through the world checking things off: wake up (check), pick up rental car (check), see how much time I can shave off of a 10.5 hour car trip (check), skydive (          ).  This weekend was the first time we visited home. I haven't really had a minute to breathe (days since Brandy was last allowed to sleep in: 11), so I still haven't gotten a chance to look at any of the pictures from this weekend. I promise that it is on my list of things to do, as of right.... now.  So, it began with an extremely long day. Shawn Brown had been planning this amazingly awesome (yep, it was that cool) end of the summer party and he really wanted Daniel and I to make an appearance and surprise some of the peeps around with our grand gesture of just showing up. However, because of IRD ditching me about halfway through the summer, Daniel and I just barely made enough money for September's rent. Getting to Utah would not happen unless we could fuel our bedraggled car on Miya fur. That raises another point. The car. The car would just not make the journey. It's very old and cranky and would probably pop every tire and gasket (I think cars have gaskets) trudging across the desert. And it would not make the trek in under 10.5 hours. Lucky for us, Shawn Brown loves us and decided to help us by paying our way out there. I cannot begin to say how grateful I am.  Back to this extremely long day. We decided we wanted to leave as soon as I got done with work last Thursday. I didn't have to be at work on Friday and we decided that if we drove through the night it would give us an extra day in town with our families. As woebegone (this word - is my new favorite word - I think it accurately describes every 6th grader's version of their own lives), as I was to ditch out early from the Team-Building Bowling Experience (and after I finished the first game with a grand total of 30 points - I pride myself on my ability to pop every ball into the gutter), I managed to escape from work at about 3:30. This means we were able to start our long journey to Salt Lake at about 4:00 (the bowling alley also happened to be right down the street from our house).  This was my second experience in a rental car. I have to say that I wasn't as impressed as I was with the first rental car, but it still beats our car on any day. We seriously need a new used car. I hate our car. I hate our car. I hate our car. I cannot say that enough.  So, after having been up since 5:30 in the morning and working all day long (thank God I didn't have to actually teach that day, just more professional development days), we took off on this 10.5 hour car trip, PLUS we have the time zone. So, we arrived in Salt Lake City at 3:30 in the morning. I was exhausted. Even so, I woke up at seven that morning because I was so excited to get moving and be with the family. Seriously, Charlie hugs and kisses are worth it.  This weekend was awesome. We got to go to Shawn's party, see Melanie (Dan's mom) and Kylie, we ate ice cream with my Dad, and we got to go up to Hidden Haven for our annual family get together (all the Charlie and Brooke and everyone else time I could squeeze into a day and a half).  We had to head back to Southern California Monday. We left as early as our tired bodies would allow and still didn't get back to Los Angeles until 11:45. It was basically standstill traffic from Las Vegas to the valley. I was one unhappy lady. I had to be at work at 7:30 the next morning. Needless to say, it was a bad day for me. Luckily it wasn't the first day of class. The first day of school was Wednesday! I have to say: I love my job. It is such hard work. It seems like there is never and end to all the planning and revising, and basically anything else. I have to tell myself that I have to stop at a certain time so that I can recharge. But, I love that I can be blissfully working (yes, I'm quite happy when I'm planning), look up at the clock and see that it's 5:00 and be totally taken by surprise. I was at work for 10 hours today. It didn't bug me. I'm sure that phase will end, but I have finally found a job that I feel happy spending the time doing.  This brings me to the quote. Read it above if you skipped it because I'm actually going to talk about it this time. I have been absolutely terrified all summer to begin the school year. Someone once asked me, "What are you afraid of?" They weren't equipped to handle the response. I'm afraid of crippling my students with my lack of experience. I'm afraid that I'll teach something wrong and the students will have to work twice as hard to relearn it. I'm afraid I'll say something that will hurt my students, even if it's by accident. I'm afraid that I haven't planned a lesson that's accessible to all my students. I'm afraid that I have made it so a student can't learn. There are so many things to be afraid of as a teacher and they all mean something to a students' future.  That's just it though. I wouldn't be so monumentally terrified if it wasn't something that was meaningful or worthwhile. I have had a couple of restless nights, terrified and wondering if my next lesson is good enough. Still, I wouldn't think that I was a good teacher if I wasn't worried. So, I'm terrified for tomorrow but I'm also stoked. There's nothing better than being a teacher. 

<3 /Brandy