Teaching is Hard Work

"The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called "truth." 

~Dan Rather 

It's been a rather rough week for me... teaching wise and life wise. Mostly I'm sure it's the old hormones kicking in, making existence as an adult female futile, but I think a little of it has been the weather and stress of walking into my fourth month of my first year as a teacher (only 5 1/2 more to go, woot!).

Anyway, I was really debating about whether to post this week. I guess maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself but I feel kind of lonely. Last week's post was really long, I know, but no one really chatted back to me about my holiday weekend... which made me sad. Once again, I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Also, I know I talked a bit about alcohol too, which throws some of you off.... so, yeah... wasn't really feeling like posting this week except I need the therapy more than my childishness. 

There wasn't a day this week that I did not walk out of school so frustrated that I took a five minute pity party in my car (tears). The problem with that was, on some nights there were after party pity parties. Not that I could take too much time because on top of being frustrated I also had a ton of grading that had to be done by this Thursday for their portfolios. So, it was a really low week for me.  

Mondays are hard for me because of Writing Lab. I hate Writing Lab. Now you might be saying, "Brandy, you're an English teacher! How can you hate Writing Lab?" Well, writing lab is an hour long class that each student takes with their homeroom teachers once a week (Mondays). It is the last period of the day and it takes place of their fun elective classes (P.E., Music, Theater, & Character Building). Homerooms are the only time the students are grouped homogeneously. We're supposed to use homeroom as a time to work on certain skills that the students in their homogeneous groups are struggling with or need improvement on. Because I am the first year teacher on the team I got the high group -meaning students who did better than most of the others on the pre-test we gave them at the beginning of the year. Should be easy right? Well, that's what makes it so freaking frustrating and embarrassing. I have the worst behavior management classes in homeroom. The worst. I actually feel mostly confident with behavior management in all other classes but homeroom is crazy. This means that Writing Lab is pure torture because it's the last class of the day and they all are wishing for their elective classes. So, Mondays are pretty stressful and I generally have a pity party on Monday which I don't feel too bad about. Once a week isn't too bad for pity parties right?

This Tuesday was really tough because it was a "rainy day schedule." It poured buckets on Tuesday. Since our facility doesn't have an actual indoor cafeteria and no place for students to go if it's wet during lunch or break, the kiddos get to hang out in our rooms. It was chaos. It's super stressful because I try to use that time to prepare for my next classes or, you know, breathe but with 30 kids taking their break or eating in your classroom, all wanting to go outside, ugh, biggest head ache ever. Also, I didn't get to take my prep either because I was observing other teachers. I suppose I should be glad that my coach, Sarah, said that I am making really fast progress on my growth goals and that I'm ready to take some giant leaps forward and implement some things that will help me to be successful, but it takes a lot of time. She wants me to observe other teachers and take notes on what they are doing and how it relates to my growth goals... start looking at things that I can put into place in my class. Should be super exciting and interesting. It is but this means my planning period is bye bye. 

Wednesday was more of the same... rainy day schedule, too many kids around me all day long, observing during prep period. Blegh.

Thursday was the worst day of them all. During homeroom they had to assemble their portfolios. I needed to make sure it happened. Well, one student, who is a problem child for all of the teachers at least, decided to throw every folder/page protector/assignment on the ground and just make hooting noises the whole class period. One student, when he saw that he received a 0/25 on his last project in English (he literally turned in a blank piece of paper with his name on it) decided to try and argue with me about his grade. I ignored him. He kept arguing. I turned my back. He kept arguing. I continued trying to give instructions. He kept arguing. Another student decided that he would take advantage of this situation and start tantalizing the arguing student and myself. Trying to get us to argue with each other.... seriously, I lost my shit. I hate raising my voice. I don't like yelling. I don't like being strict. I don't like being stern. I became Strict Mrs. Brown (with horrid frowny face and raised voice) and just launched into all three of them. Ugh. I feel really bad but they were being little shits. I kicked throwing paper kid out of my class and he completed his portfolio in the office with the assistant principal. I chewed arguing kid out... and since he wanted to have this discussion in front of the class... that's where it happened.... then the period was over - no one had finished their portfolios...I had 30 other students filing in... and at that point I had to step out because my frustration level had hit the roof and the tears were coming and I was pissed off (and this was only 45 minutes into my day!).... and basically that was how the rest of my day was. I was on the verge of tears the whole day and because I had taken enough crap for the day I was stern Mrs. Brown who gave very little in terms of caring to her students that day. Problem students were quiet the rest of the day at least.  

Friday - We had to finish the portfolios which was painful. I had decided to start the day stern because I needed to get done with those portfolios and I didn't want any crap. While, I was able to lighten up a little as the day went on but I was still in a bad/upset mood... it wasn't normal happy Mrs. Brown.

So, anyway, I've had a rotten week...and I had a meeting with my mentor at the end of it and it turned mostly into a pep talk that helped but still made me feel not good enough. I know it's my first year teaching and I won't be as effective as I will be three years from now... but I wish I didn't make as many mistakes as I do. What really bugs me is that even if I make mistakes on delivering information at least I could always say that I was helping the kids and showing that I cared (which middle school students really really need) but I don't think that came out this week... and that makes me feel like a pretty lousy teacher.

Anyway, good things:
- The 6th grade science teacher is taking Miya for the three weeks we are gone. I am glad. I didn't want her staying by herself for three weeks.
- Steven got a house! Super proud of Steven.
- Speaking of Steven, I picked up his present today. I'm excited to see him and everyone.
- Two more weeks!

And a funny:

You know you teach middle school if...
You empty your pockets at night and find at least 10 paper clips
A pencil stub
A note with a drawing of Satan and two expletives that needed deleting. Another note saying: "Hold hur hand!" You brag to your spouse about how many parent phone calls you got done today.
You walk the halls of your building and unconsciously pick up litter.
You are irritated by adults who chew gum in public.
It's normal for you to take a 5 minute cry in the car at the end of the day.
You plan your seating chart so that the short kids can't hide behind bigger ones.
You write your name conspicuously on all personal objects, including your car keys, your masking tape, your textbook, and your chair.
You sometimes choose to pretend not to hear comments that were perfectly intelligible to everyone else who was in the room.
You know what your classroom door sounds like when slammed mightily.
You have classroom rules about where people may put their feet.
You tell subtle jokes in class just to see those few smiles of the ones that catch on.
You despise Halloween candy, Christmas candy, and Valentine candy. - With a passion!
Your students prefer current events stories that deal with rape, murder, electrocution, and demonic possession.
One of your students writes to Congress (on your dime) to complain about some cigarette butts thrown into a local lake.
You still can't believe you allowed yourself to be sucked into an argument regarding whether Tech Decks should be allowed in class.
Penis doodles do not phase you. Boob doodles do not surprise.
Your team goes out for drinks to celebrate that no student was lost or killed the last field trip that day.
You clean desks yourself just to keep the place looking nice and to help your own morale.
A mother calls to chew you out because you have ignored her son's project only to learn from you that it must be the one that has sat on the board for weeks with the words "No Name" written above it.
Your colleagues claim you inspected a blank student agenda in detention and said, "Let me guess: All your teachers have been absent for the last month and a half."